Hope

I keep thinking of inane subjects to write about and I scribble down a couple of sentences on a piece of paper while they’re in my head, but I’m having trouble getting past that fleeting idea stage with any of them.  For anyone who isn’t aware, I’m going through some extremely difficult personal issues right now and maintaining any shred of normalcy is taking just about all of my energy.  I’ve always considered myself a lucky person, no matter how much I gripe and complain about life’s little frustrating moments, but the past few months have presented me with situations that I never thought I would have to face in my life.  This is the catalyst for my recent weight loss.  This is the reason my Facebook posts have been so depressing (for those of you who are my friends on FB).  This is why I took a haitus from blogging in March/April.  I’m simply trying to process the events and information of the last two months and it’s proving to be more than my mind and body can handle.  The urge to shut down and barricade myself in a dark room is very strong and I struggle every day to go out into the world instead.  Keeping my mind from dwelling on all of the awfulness takes just about everything I have because there are very few moments where I can push those thoughts from my mind.  Thanks goodness for work or I’d be unable to function outside of my head at all.  Depression is weighing heavily on me and it takes a force of will to shrug it off each morning and live my life as best I can.  I feel like a shell of my former self.  I’ve almost forgotten what it feels like to be happy.  I’ve lost sight of the things I enjoy and the things I was looking forward to before the storm broke.  The rational part of me knows that I won’t always feel this way and that there is happiness in my future somewhere, but right now I’m living in a fog of doubt and uncertainty that seems unlikely to clear anytime soon.  My goal for each day is just to make it to the next, and hope that the pain will diminish on the way.  As far as the future goes, I have no idea what it’s going to look like – the fog is just too thick now – but I have every hope that it will be bright.  Being optimistic is perhaps the most difficult part of my personal recovery, but I believe I’m slowly coming to a conclusion about the best way for me to proceed from here.  I have to consider how to best make myself happy and also give myself the best chance of a positive outcome in the future.  So bear with me because one way or another my life is going to completely change in 2010.  It’s hard to imagine now, but the thought of laughing and smiling sincerely is what’s keeping me going.  I have to believe that something better is waiting for me out there.   What it is I have no idea, but just knowing about it existence is comforting.  I know I’ll get there eventually and that’s a good thought.