Conversations with Myself – 04.21.01

Quote of the Day:
“Life goes so quickly that it is a good idea to stop and reflect on what you’re doing.”
Jan Gleason

Someone asked me the other day if I was the kind of person who had a routine. A few years ago I might have thought about the implications of that question before replying but at the time my answer was a resounding yes. In the past this inquiry would probably have bothered me because I was always worried about how I appeared to others. As I have gotten older other’s opinion’s of me have become less important. Of course I will always want certain people to think well of me – my family, my very close friends, and my cats – but looking “cool” to the rest of the world is hardly even a consideration to me anymore. As long as I am comfortable with how I look, how I act, and how I interact with others that is the only approval that is necessary. According to Fortune from “Rudy,” “In this life, you don’t have to prove nothin’ to nobody but yourself.” It took my twenty-two years to realize the truth of that statement. Anyway, back to the story I was telling at the beginning of that paragraph. I am the kind of person who thrives on having a routine in my daily life. That doesn’t mean I don’t have my spontaneous moments; I just enjoy the regularity of planning what I am going to do each day. There’s nothing wrong with that.

Looking great is the best revenge. I want to start this paragraph of with that statement but I won’t elaborate on it further for fear of saying something inappropriate. Those of you who know what I am talking about will understand. I like guys to look at me – what girl doesn’t? But as I was sitting at Schlotzsky’s tonight watching teenage boys ogle two girls across the restaurant I had an interesting conversation with myself. (Do you ever have conversations with yourself? I do quite often and it has helped me figure out who I am. Listening to your inner voice brings out thoughts and feelings embedded deep inside that define your character.) If I were given the choice to be unbelievably beautiful or to have an incredible body I would have to say no. Not that I don’t think I am pretty but I would rather stay the way I am than be more attractive. Does that sound strange? When I first said that to myself I thought it did but there is a valid explanation that goes along with that decision. Once in high school a guy dated me because he thought I had a great body and then he broke up with me a month later because we had very little in common otherwise. The reason I don’t want to be more physically desirable is I don’t want to attract more guys who will do the same thing. When a guy falls in love with me I want it to be because I am interesting on the inside. I want him to think I am smart, funny, and kind and to see me as more beautiful because of those qualities. I don’t think my personality would make as much of an impression on someone if they couldn’t see past the aesthetics of my body. I remember a guy in high school who all of the girls thought was incredibly hot. The only thing I could see when I looked at him was that he was a horrible person. Apparently this wasn’t very important to most other females because they always looked at him as if he were a god. To me he was ugly on the outside (no matter what he looked like) because he was ugly on the inside. So, in my mind, being the plain but confident girl that I am has its advantages. One day I will find a guy who feels the same way about this as I do and we will live happily ever after.

I guess I should mention a little bit about what has been happening in the past week. When I tried to sit down and write about them in detail this morning I realized that they aren’t worth discussing in great detail, however. I would like to say that launches at the Kennedy Space Center (KSC) are much more fun when the shuttle doesn’t go behind a cloud thirty seconds into its ascent. As the Mod SQUAD stood in the parking lot next to the Vehicle Assembly Building at 2:41 PM on Thursday with all of the other employees, we watched the shuttle Endeavor lift off on its way to the International Space Station. Too bad there was a large cloud between us and the shuttle’s path out of the atmosphere. The launch took place after we gave our final project presentation to a room full of engineers that morning. There are only a few other things to finish before I can close the book on IPPD forever. Yes, I am very happy at this prospect. Last night was the annual aerospace departmental banquet and it was a lot of fun. The students in the department always hang out in class or between classes but rarely do we spend time together away from the engineering buildings. This event is our excuse to dress up, parade around, and eat a catered meal with each other. I would like to mention that I bought the dress and shows I wore last night about two hours before I left for the banquet. And I looked great too! The people I have spent the past four years with are very cool people and I am going to miss them next year when I am away. Who else knows such incriminating stuff about me? Things are going to be very different when I get back to Gainesville next January. Only a few people I know will still be undergraduate or graduate students then. Most of my friends are graduating and leaving this town as fast as they can. Jobs or graduate schools await them on the other side of the degree they will receive in two weeks. It makes me sad it think I might not ever see them again.

I would like to finish with a list of the things I have to do this week so you will know why I don’t post another diary entry until next weekend. Just listing these makes me frightened.

1) Experimental methods take-home problem due Tuesday
2) Experimental methods final exam Tuesday
3) Finite element analysis project due Wednesday
4) Propulsion homework due Wednesday
5) Propulsion take-home final exam due Thursday
6) Experimental methods lab report due Friday
7) Stability and control of spacecraft project/final exam due ???

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