Quote of the Day:
“Your name is part of you. There’s power in it, tied up with the way you secretly think of yourself, the truth of the way you are.”
S’reee, Deep Wizardry
Love is a complicated thing. No matter how much experience you’ve had it always manages to take you by surprise and reveal emotions you never knew you were capable of feeling. One moment you are overcome with joy that seems like it will never end and the next you are scared to death that the bubble of happiness will burst at any moment. Of course this emotional instability is a mental creation caused by an overactive imagination but sometimes it’s hard to distinguish fantasy from reality when love is involved.
It has taken many years and many boyfriends to realize that I don’t know what love is. I always thought I did but after watching the demise of my most recent relationships I began to question how much I really understood the concept. My sorority sisters have a tendency to say that their current crush is “the one” and then turn around and say the same thing about the next boy that walks into their lives. A while ago I thought my boyfriend was “the one” and I turned out to be very wrong. That didn’t make it very easy for me to imagine marrying someone when I might be wrong about him too. I stopped trusting my instincts and started using my brain instead of my heart. That strategy worked to some extent because it kept my head out of the clouds and my heart from being broken. Now that it is all over I think maybe a broken heart would have been the better way to go. Emotional attachment is a dangerous thing but not altogether a bad experience. I wouldn’t be the person I am today without having my heart broken a few times and when I didn’t let it happen I may have robbed myself of an important experience. How would my personality have changed had I done things differently? I guess I’ll never know. For now I’m going to have to continue to live my life as the person I am today.
If anything is going to allow me to trust my instincts again it will have to be love. In the past I have been proactive when it comes to relationships – I asked one guy to the prom, another to my sorority formal – both became long-term boyfriends. That’s what women are encouraged to do in this “modern” time. The tactic hasn’t served me too well in the long run, however. Now that I am again in the situation to decide whether to be proactive or reactive I don’t know what to do. My instinct has told me to act on my feelings but who wants to go with an approach that has been unsuccessful in the past? I think for the time being I will choose the path of caution, not to be mistaken with passivity, in order to give myself (and my instincts) time to choose the best course of action.
I have had crushes before but nothing like this. Have you ever looked at someone and instantly known something about them is important and it concerns you? You can’t really put this “something” into words but it changes your whole outlook. It has only happened to me once and I can’t get over it. I know I have been silly about love before but I have a feeling that this isn’t just another one of those times. This is something significant. All I can say is that if life is playing a joke on me it’s extremely cruel.
P.S. I am wearing my heart on my sleeve right now and that is a little scary. No matter how sure I am about this feeling I can’t be positive that I’m not wrong again. Only time will tell. I would appreciate it if no one made fun of me if later this does turn out to be some great big cosmic joke. Making my thoughts and feelings public isn’t the easiest thing to do in this situation but it seems like the right one. I’ll learn something no matter what happens. Can you learn something? Not if you’re making fun of me!