Feminine wave

I purchased a lot of dresses and skirts over the summer, mostly because I like the way they make me look and feel, but also because they are comfortable and stylish in the heat. But then I realized that they also make me feel more confident in my less that ideal body at the moment. (As always, it’s a work in progress. My exercise routine is great at the moment, but my diet is terrible, and my sleep is just plain atrocious. So there’s still progress to be made.) I originally wrote about this feminine overhaul back in April as part of my retail therapy series. I’ve worn those Old Navy swing dresses that I wrote about in that post many times, for work and on the weekends, and I’ve added to my collection as well. I now have a number of beautiful dresses which make me feel pretty and at least slightly fashionable. Trust me, I’m not trying to keep up with the younger/thinner/cuter, ladies at work, but I always seem to have a more positive mindset when I like what I’m wearing. And most of this new apparel was inexpensive (from Amazon or Uniqlo) which is a major plus. (Not too long ago I realized that I need to cut back on my emotional (but never completely frivolous) spending, but that’s a topic for a separate post.) However, some of my new clothes have cost a bit more money. Earlier in the summer two of my close friends helped me select three dresses at Ann Taylor and Loft, during a fortunate sale, and I found a beautiful black shift dress for presentations at work which was sadly not marked down at all. But it was too perfect to return. I’ve learned that money can sometimes buy small slices of happiness.

As far as the existing clothes that were clogging up my closet even before I purchased anything new, I am starting to make some strides. I’ve finally come to terms with the fact that I am never going to wear a lot of the dresses that were previously in my wardrobe. They are currently two sizes too small, and I don’t want to torture myself by gazing at them wistfully anymore. So I decided to get rid of the colorful shift dresses one way or another. So far I’ve given three to a friend, after a visit to the dry cleaner, of course. It’s good to know that they will be worn by someone who will appreciate them. My next stop will be a consignment shop or two to see if I can sell any of the remaining pieces. They are all high quality, semi-pricey dresses in great condition, but who knows if they have any resale value. I guess I’ll find out. The final avenue will be pursuing a donation to Dress for Success, a charity that provides professional clothing to women in need to wear to job interviews, and when they are newly employed and getting back on their feet financially. I can’t think of a better way for my old dresses to be used to make the world a better place. Plus, I’ll feel a lot better when I reduce the clutter in my life as much as possible. I’m trying to purge not only the negative thoughts from my mind, but also everything unnecessary from my house. I have acquired way too much stuff over the six years I’ve lived here and it’s getting a bit overwhelming. I have my retail therapy spree in the first have of the year to thank for a lot of that! It’s time to start scaling back again, but this time while wearing a dress.

Only the beginning

“My personal conversation with my body hasn’t yet progressed far enough to the point that I love what I have. It’s a process, I know, but frankly, I want to spend as little time as possible thinking about my arms and legs and the way the fat on my back folds when I’m not paying attention at the beach. I just want apathy – to feel nothing about my body at all, to be merely grateful that it functions as I require, that I put clothes on it (when forced), and food in it when necessary (surprisingly often!). Love, like hate, requires too much active effort for something I don’t even want to deal with.”
-Scaachi Koul

It’s no secret that I have less than loving feelings for my body. In fact, I’m undoubtedly its worst critic. I am rarely happy with how I look, much to the detriment of my self-esteem. This is something that I am working on. (Yesterday morning I gave myself compliments as I was putting on my makeup.) Specifically, I wrote about focusing on my successes rather than my failures not too long ago, but it’s (unsurprisingly) an uphill battle. I keep trying to remind myself of the progresses I’m making at the gym and with my running, but I still have a long way to go when it comes to obsessing about my weight and the size of my clothes. Fortunately, taking a break from the 6-week fat loss challenge that ended last month was very beneficial. I kept exercising as much as I had been before, but I worried less about strictly following the diet plan and posting pictures of every single meal and snack for the trainers to comment on. This greatly reduced my anxiety and allowed me to focus more on my overall health. The Monday after the fat loss challenge ended I weighed in at the gym and I had only lost 4 lbs, but I had also lost inches on just about every measurement. That was encouraging. Not that I kept the progress going since then, in fact I’ve regressed a bit, but it’s good to know that if I can find the energy to work hard enough I can eventually get where I’m going. It just might be a long road with a number of obstacles along the way.

Unfortunately my life, and the world in general (more on that soon), has been a bit rough these days so very few things seem positive. But I know that at some point I will find my equilibrium. My first priority is to get my physical health under control. Speaking of which, I have another sleep study scheduled for this coming Friday to determine whether or not I have narcolepsy. The Klonopin prescription that my neurologist gave me a few weeks ago doesn’t seem to be making much difference so we’re taking the investigation to the next level. My first sleep study was no picnic, but I can endure another one if it means that I might get additional answers into what’s going on with my crazy brain. It’s so hard to take care of your body the way you should when it’s causing you so much trouble. However, I am doing a few things in the realm of self-care to keep my spirits up while things are not all sunshine and roses. I have added an extra day at boot camp every week (which means I am sore almost all the time), and I’ve started running more (which my feet and legs are having to acclimate to again). In fact, my workout buddy and I have started running from her house to the gym (~1.75 miles), completing a boot camp class, and then running back. It can be grueling, but I know it’s extremely beneficial across the board. Then when I get home I’ve been pampering myself with some probably unnecessary, but refreshingly indulgent beauty products. I bought some Kiehl’s shower scrub at the airport on my trip to Portland last month, I got a bottle of way too expensive Crabtree & Evelyn body lotion with some leftover Amazon credit, and I’ve been applying Vitamin C serum to my face every morning. These things might not make any real difference in the health of my skin, but the routine of nourishing my body is soothing when it feels like so many other areas of my life are in chaos. But I know it won’t always be like this which helps me get through the hardest days. I’ll get to where I need to be. I just don’t know when!