Missing Pieces – 6/24/99

[Copied from it’s original home at http://lyra23.tripod.com/news/6-24-99.html]

When I first saw you I already knew
There was something inside of you
Something I thought that I would never find
Angel of mine
-Monica, “Angel of Mine”

The other night as I was about to go to sleep I heard that song on the radio. I closed my eyes and it sounded like the most beautiful thing I had ever heard. Maybe I was in some emotional state, but something was certainly effecting my brain at that moment. It sounded like she was talking about me.

Stuart called me this afternoon. Last night we were chatting on ICQ and he asked if I would be home today so he could call. He said that he missed talking to me. That made me feel good. I was surprised to hear his voice of the other end of the phone when it rang at 2:30 PM, however. Stu is going home to Tampa this weekend to deliver his sister’s car there and visit his family for a few days. His faculty advisor for his internship, Dr. Jenkins, never showed up in the building today so he decided to leave early because he didn’t have anything else to do. I detected at least some cold symptoms over the phone, but I didn’t say anything until Stu mentioned that he didn’t feel well. I hope he got home safely!

My cat’s litter box is located here in the computer room. This is not a very good place for me to be typing right now because one of them just used it. I went into the bathroom, got the Lysol, and sprayed the place down before the stench filled up the room! Just thought you’d like to know exactly what is going on in my house as I am writing this segment.

Also, on ICQ last night, Stu asked when he could visit me in Tallahassee. Last weekend, when he was talking to a friend, he was advised to make a trip to see me here if he wanted to save his chances with me. What a sweet gesture – and some good advice, if I may put my two cents in. I would always welcome him here and my friends are dying to meet him. I was just thinking that maybe it would be easier for me to go and visit him in Gainesville, though. Just a thought – I will have to think it over some more. After the events that have taken place in the last week I am very happy to see that he is reaching out to me (as well as me reaching out to him). There isn’t much to do in Tallyland, but if I knew he was coming on a certain weekend I could plan a great party with my friends. We need another trip to Wakulla Springs, or something like that. If anyone is reading this who knows what I am talking about, email me and we will discuss it.

When I sat down to type a little while ago I didn’t think I would have this much to say! In fact, when I emailed Stu earlier I told him that I wouldn’t be posting anything from today at all. I guess I need to write him again and change that statement. I have some plans for tomorrow night with Jennifer and Meghan, plus I will probably go shopping with Kathe on Saturday. Maybe I can finally get my ears pierced then. We’ll see (my mom says this is my favorite phrase). More news tomorrow.

Miscelaneous Topics – 6/23/99

[Copied from it’s original home at http://lyra23.tripod.com/news/6-2-99.html]

From my two doctor’s appointments yesterday I got 5 prescriptions that needed to be filled today. My mom and I went to Wal-Mart before lunch to do that, but we got more done at the shoe store! I have a favorite pair of brown sandals that I was planning to wear for sorority Rush in early August, but that means I can’t wear them until then in case they get messed up somehow. Luckily the same sandals were on sale at Shoe Station when we looked today (and that is amazing because they are more than a year old). Now I can wear my other pair and save the new ones for Rush. I also got a pair of black sandals that are the first edition to my prospective “clubbing” wardrobe. Kathe and I are planning to shop for more clubbing clothes soon. At the shoe store, when we were paying for the shoes, the cashier was talking to a friend about going to Gainesville to see a band perform, but she didn’t know how to get there. I told her that I could give her directions, and since she needed to know how to get to the Covered Dish that was easy (I have been there with my brother). I just happened to be in the right place at the right time.
Besides the prescriptions from Wal-Mart, my mom and I got me a new dress pattern and material for the dress pattern. I shall have to keep you updated with our adventures in sewing. We have attempted several articles of clothing over the last few years and none of them have turned out correctly. Stay tuned for more as the situation progresses. When we were buying the material my mom asked the craft section employee what size she should cut out for me. On the pattern package my measurements don’t fit any one size and my mom was wondering what she should do. I told the lady that there was no way I had a 24-inch waist, and she thought I meant that there was no way I was that large! What I was trying to say was even when I was really skinny in high school I only had a 25-inch waist. So this woman took her measuring tape and told me my waist was 26.5 inches. That’s about what I expected, but she was pretty insulting since she didn’t understand what I was saying. I don’t just go around saying, “There’s no way I could be that big!” I have a pretty good idea of my measurements. Let’s just hope that the dress pattern can accommodate them!

I am still trying to get a job. My dad told me to call the personnel office at the Board of Regents and see if they had any OPS positions available for some short-term employment. It turns out that they don’t hire relatives of current employees, but the woman I talked with told me to call FSU or the Department of Education to see if maybe they could help me. Earlier this afternoon I called every major bookstore in town and none of them are hiring at this time. I am looking for a job that requires no training period because I have less than seven weeks before I have to move back to Gainesville for the fall semester. My parents do pay my brother and me for doing work around the house, and I cleaned the house today, so at least I am making a little money and spending even less. If any poor college students are reading this, I feel your pain! Somehow I have to find money for my books for next semester plus I need a lot to buy presents for my sorority “family” members for upcoming events. I would like to be able to keep my savings account untouched for awhile since I had to transfer some funds to pay for my summer tuition. At least I am getting some scholarship money in August and more in November. I can defer my sorority dues payments until I get the money in November.

I got notice that Stuart has posted part of his work on his new webpage design! It doesn’t have too many components yet, but it looks good so far. Check it out at http://www.afn.org/~afn01160. Don’t you love the little “About me” guy? I can’t wait to see what else is in store.

Being Poked and Prodded – 6/22/99

[Copied from it’s original home at http://lyra23.tripod.com/news/6-22-99.html]

I had two doctors appointments today and neither one of them was very fun. If you are a female you understand because I had to go to the gynecologist early this morning. My mom told me to write about a few funny incidents that happened, but I am not sure they are appropriate. I will tell the stories anyway, but don’t blame me! For the guys reading this who don’t understand why the gynecologist is so embarrassing, the nurse gives you a little white sheet and tells you to undress and then cover yourself up with it. As I was sitting in the examination room waiting for the doctor I was trying to keep the sheet covering as much of my body as possible. When the doctor walked in he insisted on shaking my hand! I had to readjust so I had one hand free and I didn’t lose the sheet completely. It was really awkward. Then the doctor was talking conversationally with me during the examination. He is a family friend and I know his children, but I was very uncomfortable talking about them at that moment. I guess the doctor wants you to feel more at ease, but this just made me more self-conscious. Anyway, that was my trip to the “woman doctor.”

I went to the dermatologist later in the afternoon with my mom. Since I am only 20 years old and I look even younger, sometimes I have a hard time getting doctors to listen to me. This happened today with my new dermatologist. He seemed to wrap up the appointment before I was done asking questions and anything I suggested he shrugged off with little consideration. Maybe I am a female and maybe I am young, but I know what my problems are and I would like a doctor to listen to what I have to say for once! Having my mom there gave me another person who could tell the dermatologist what my problems are. He listened to her more than to me, but if I had been a male I think it would have been better.

Last night I called Kathe after I read her latest My So-Called Existence (MSCE) entry on her webpage. It worried me because she wrote that she was going to give up posting entries due to lack of outside interest. I check every few days to see if she has written anything new and I was bother when she wrote that now one outside her immediate family would notice if she dropped off the face of the Earth. I certainly would notice! I called her last night and we talked for about an hour, even though I woke her up. It sounded like she was in a good mood, but that might have been the black cherry wine cooler doing the talking! (I have to try one of those things since she says they are so good.) Kathe said that she was a little depressed and that she has been busy with work and not much else. We have been sending each other ICQ message for a few weeks talking about what crazy things we were going to do when I got back to Tallahassee. Now that time has come and we need to make some plans. When I talked to Meghan she was excited about going to St. George Island one weekend. All three of us are pale and desperately need a little sun (with 30+ sunblock, mind you). Meghan and I discussed that we need new bathing suits before then! Speaking of shopping, Kathe and I also plan to go shopping for “club attire” sometime soon. Even if I wanted to go to a club I wouldn’t have anything to wear! We will have to remedy that.

Also when I was talking to Kathe we discussed my situation with Stuart. First of all, I should mention that Kathe is dying to meet Stu. Then I will tell you that Kathe gave me a new perspective on what has been happening over the last few days in my life. Kathe’s opinion is that Stu is a “nice guy” (sorry if that sounds like a cliché, but I am taking it out of context for the sake of the quote) that was just trying to do the right thing. I agree with her. It was interesting to get the viewpoint of a girl who thinks she is more like a guy than of her own gender. (That’s her proclamation, by the way.) With everyday that passes I become happier with being home for awhile. If I can use this time to sort out my own emotions then it will be well spent. Come to think of it, if I can find some time to sort out my bedroom the time will be well spent! So far I haven’t had a moment to sit down and relax. This isn’t exactly a good thing.

Home Sweet Home – 6/20/99

[Copied from it’s original home at http://lyra23.tripod.com/news/6-20-99.html]

“Love is so special and important. The complete and total purpose of creating the word love is so that a person can express a culmination of emotions. Instead of going down the list of all the emotions we know about and then taking a gander at some of the ones we don’t know about, you can say, “I love you.” Canoes don’t leak, because rivets and braces and sealant are used. That is love, the culmination of smaller insignificant pieces and parts together ensuring flotation. Life is serious whitewater. A leaky canoe, a faulty rivet, a bad brace are all unacceptable. Don’t play around with love. I love my family and I love some ideas.”
-Email from Stu

The quote at the top of the page is Stuart’s answer to the email survey question “Who do you love?” I don’t agree with what he said exactly, but I think it is important for me to know what he thinks. You can tell a lot about him from this. I thought it would be interesting for you guys to be able to read what he wrote on this subject. Now here is my response to the same question.

“When it comes to all kind of love you have to make a distinction. I love a lot of people. I love my friends from high school (Jennifer, Kathe, Meghan, etc.) because they were there for me when I needed them. I love my sorority sisters because they love me for all of my strengths and faults. They don’t deserve anything less. When it comes to serious love, I fall in love easily. I have been in love before and I will be again. It is a pure emotion that I think should be felt more often, and not something that should be viewed as a weakness. My problem has been that I love so freely that I have been hurt when people don’t love back. That’s the worst kind of hurt. Of course I love my family because they will always be there for me, and I am looking for a guy who will be there for me for the rest of my life. “

I was just watching one of my two cats roll around on top of my Tevas on the floor. Apparently they feel good on his body, but it is very funny to see him rubbing all over the sandals. My cats’ names are Robert and Thomas (Bob and Tom for short), and they both have strange defective tails. In fact, Bob was named thusly because he has a “bob” tail (it is about 2 inches long and very fluffy). I love my kitties and I am very glad to be home with them for awhile. Being home after such a long time away is very strange. I have been living in Gainesville almost permanently since after winter break (the beginning of January) and I haven’t been home for more than a week since. In fact, I haven’t even been to Tallahassee for the last six weeks while I have been away at summer school. Now I have come back to the house where I grew up (we moved in when I was eight months old) and my old routine.

My room is full of boxes and they are full of almost everything of value that I own. It is going to take awhile for me to get my stuff organized to get back to a normal routine here in my house, and then it will probably be time to move back to Gainesville! I only have seven weeks here in Tallahassee, but I am already looking forward to the fall when I can be back with my sorority sisters and my college compadres. So far I have put off cleaning up my room so I can live a normal life in there, but that is my goal for tomorrow. I cleaned out my closet and parted with some of my favorite clothes from high school that have gone out of style (WAY out of style). I found a lot of old Mu Alpha Theta t-shirts and other shirts that I have kept for sentimental value. I need to cut them up and put them in my scrapbook with everything else. Another goal for this summer is to update my cherished scrapbook with stuff from the past two years. I am very glad I am a pack rat sometimes, because that means my scrapbook is very thorough from middle school up until the present.

I said that I would write about Friday and Saturday here so I had better mention what happened that was of importance (other than what I wrote yesterday). On Friday when I finished my Marriage and Family test and turned in my History of Science paper I went home and began the packing process in my room. NOTE: Somehow I fir everything in my car for the drive home yesterday, computer included. I wonder how I did that? It was amazing. Anyway, Stuart and I went to Taco Bell for dinner that night. It is funny to see our tray of food there – we both get soft tacos. So, depending on how hungry we are, there are five or six tacos on the tray. That amuses me. We also went to see “Tarzan” later that night (a great movie, by the way, that I would recommend to anyone), but not until after Stu helped me pack some stuff in my car. After the movie he also helped me pack some stuff in my car. What a guy! I spent my last night in my dorm by myself, Brandy and Liesl had already left for the week, and I didn’t get to sleep until late (not a good move).

Saturday after I got to Tallahassee I talked to Meghan. I wanted to discuss the events of the day with her because I knew she would have some good advice. In fact, she knew exactly how I was feeling because she said her boyfriend, my good friend Danny, had done something similar at one time. I think (and so does she) that the biggest problem with communication between boyfriends and girlfriends is that guys sometimes say things that sound worse than they mean them, and girls overanalyze what the guys say. Meghan and I didn’t come up with any surefire ways to fix these problems, but talking to each other about our experiences made us both feel better. We did decide that girls need to maybe mask their emotions sometimes (when they are insecure or hurt and this jeopardizes their relationships) and guys need to watch what they say. Too bad we can only fulfill half of that ourselves. TO ANY GUYS READING THIS: Be careful what you say to your girlfriend!! Think over what you want to say and make sure you are going to convey it effectively. Girls get hurt easily if they misunderstand what you are trying to say. I was in a much better mood when I hung up the phone. I have always been able to talk with Meghan about my problems and she always reassures me that I am not at fault because I feel badly. I wish I could talk with Danny and get a guy’s perspective on what happened yesterday. Too bad he is out at sea for awhile.

Tonight I went to see “The Phantom Menace” for the second time, this time with my parents. I did notice different things this time than the first time. I also couldn’t sit still this time! Sometimes even if the movie is good I can’t make myself not fidget during it. My dad really loved the movie and so did my mom, but she was a bit disappointed in it compared with the other three Star Wars movies. I know how she feels, but the movie was still great, even the second time around.

I guess I had better get to sleep. Last night when I got online Stu was on ICQ so we chatted for a long time. It was an informative talk that made me feel more secure about how I stand with him. We told each other what was really on our minds without the obstacles that would have accompanied a face-to-face talk. Now I know how he feels, and even if it isn’t what I wanted to hear, know the truth is more important than being blissfully ignorant. I have come to the conclusion that I can deal with anything and this is only one little bump on the road to happiness. I have to get up, dust myself off, and start back on my way. I am old enough to accept that there are going to be problems in life and I might as well learn how to deal with any kind that might present themselves. I choose to start right here. Like I said at the beginning of this paragraph, I was up late last night and I should get to bed earlier tonight. I shall sleep content with knowing that I have made it through another day.

Goodbyes – 6/19/99

[Copied from it’s original home at http://lyra23.tripod.com/news/6-19-99.html]

I must say that I had a rough day and I certainly didn’t expect it to be that way. Moving out of my dorm, saying goodbye to the important guy in my life, and driving home shouldn’t be easy things to do, but I didn’t think it would be so rocky. Moving out was OK and it went pretty smoothly. I will miss my little room and my roommates, Brandy and Liesl, very much.

I went over to Stuart’s apartment around noon for lunch before I left Gainesville. I was already emotional from the thought of being away from him for so long, but I tried not to think about it yet. We ate and talked until about 1:30 PM when I realized I should go. Actually Stu said that I should be going. I wasn’t too pleased to hear that. Would you be happy if your boyfriend told you it was time to leave? I felt a bit like a guest who had over stayed her welcome. This incident gave me a little pang of sadness. As we walked out onto the balcony and I hugged him goodbye the tears began to fall. Of course I was sad! Whether or not he knows it (or acknowledges it), this guy is very important to me and the thought of being away from him scared me a little. Stu couldn’t understand why I was so emotional. That hurt me too. I wondered whether he was upset at my leaving and he just kept his emotions hidden, or was he glad to see me go? These were great thoughts for an already insecure girlfriend. At one point Stu said, “This separation will be good for us – we need to see how we feel.” This was a knife through the heart.

Was I so clingy that I cramped his style? I don’t think so, but maybe he thinks that. Was I a really big pain that he couldn’t wait to get rid of? I don’t think so, and I would hate to think this was an option. What was he thinking? Good question. After he told me it would be a good separation for us I was floored. I sobbed for a few minutes because I couldn’t regain my composure. I don’t know if Stu knew exactly why I was crying, but I didn’t have the power to tell him at the time. My brain was a jumble of emotions that I couldn’t decipher or even sort out. It took me a little while, but I think I did the best thing by kissing him on the cheek, saying goodbye, and walking away. If he wanted a little space I wasn’t about to start crowding him then. If I did anything wrong I am sorry, but I think I just got too emotionally involved without knowing what he thought about our relationship. I almost turned my car around on my way out of the parking lot to go and see him again. I wanted to say that I would miss him and that I was sorry for being such a crazy girl. I don’t know if it would have helped, but my willpower kept me driving away. I wish I could talk to him now.

I spent the first hour of my drive home crying (a dangerous venture). A good cry will make you feel better, though. Of course every love song made me cry a little harder and every thought of Stu made the tears fall faster. After I got halfway home I kind of changed my tune. I realized that the time apart would be good for me too. I got very emotionally dependent on Stu during this summer because I didn’t have many other friends in Gainesville. I regret not doing other stuff this summer, but it is too late for grief now. I know that I am a very independent person and I already like myself for who I am. So why was I so reliant on this boy to reassure me of what I already know?
When Stu and I first got together I was convinced the he was perfect. I had finally found a guy who respected me and liked me for who I was. After we had been together for a little while I told myself that I wasn’t going to screw up this relationship. That’s when I became Super Cling, the girlfriend who holds on and won’t let go. Big mistake. From past relationships I already knew that being too clingy will drive guys away, but at the time it didn’t seem like I was acting that way. Chalk it up too a distorted perspective, because you can’t say that I don’t have enough experience with relationships.

When I think about all of these events I am glad to be one day older and a heck of a lot smarter. By the time I got to Tallahassee I was laughing and singing with my Disney CDs and in a good mood. It took me the two-hour car drive home with everything important that I own to assimilate the truth Stuart had dished out. When that was completed I realized that not only was he free – I am free too. We can both live our lives without worrying about making the other person happy for awhile and then decide if we should be together. My gut tells me that everything is going to be OK and happiness is just seven weeks down the bumpy road of life. Sometimes gut feelings have been known to be wrong, though. Only time will tell. I don’t want Stu to stay with me if that’s not what he wants. I realized today that someday I will find a guy who will be head over heels for me, but maybe that day isn’t today. Who knows? The future holds such promise if only you look at it in the right way. I see the horizon with limitless possibilities laid out before me. What road will I choose? Heck if I know! Right now I want to concentrate on making myself happy without needing another person’s approval. (Not that having another person around isn’t wonderful, but it can only truly be right if you are making yourself happy by yourself first.) I don’t want to lose Stuart either, if that is possible.

There is so much more I could say. I really should end this rambling, though. When I got home I talked this over with my friend and confidante, Meghan. She has been through the same things with her boyfriend and she urged me to write him a letter about this to get a guys perspective (he is in the Merchant Marines). Maybe I will. Meghan made me feel much better about the situation. As my sorority sister Carrie said once, “If it is meant to be then it will happen.” Let’s hope she is right.

P.S. Check tomorrow’s entry for the other events of Friday and Saturday that I didn’t get to here. Yes, there were actually some noteworthy…

Good Morning? – 6/17/99

[Copied from it’s original home at http://lyra23.tripod.com/news/6-17-99.html]

It is almost 2:30 AM as you move your attention to our heroine. She has finished her torturous History of Science paper and she wants to jump for joy! Then she remembers that she isn’t taking only one class this semester. Oh yes, the horrible idea that she has a Marriage and Family test at 9:30 AM (only seven hours from now) has crept into her brain. What will she do? Why, she will do what any good college student would do – stay up really late and study. Somehow I think the “really late” part has already passed so now we are going for at least a few hours of sleep before the test. After I finish the exam I will turn in my History of Science paper, come home, and take a long nap! I think I have earned it. After that I have to pack up my entire bedroom full of junk to move back to Tallahassee on Saturday. That’s a depressing thought. My checkout appointment is at 11:30 AM on Saturday so let’s hope I am ready to go by then.

Stuart had a busy day today, but still managed to fit in some time for little ol’ me! First of all, I overslept this morning AGAIN (that’s the second time this week, how sad) and this time it was too late to get to class on time at all. Fortunately we were having a review session in Marriage and Family so it wasn’t absolutely necessary for me to be there. Around 10 AM I got online and there was Stuart on ICQ! I thought that was strange because he was supposed to have a flight lesson at 9 AM. So I sent him a message asking him why he was online and he explained that the weather was too chancy for flying. Then he turned the question around and asked why I wasn’t in class like I was supposed to be. I had to fess up to sleeping in again. It was pretty funny that we were both not where we expected to be this morning.

History of Science class was boring today. I forgot that we were only reviewing and we were supposed to bring questions to ask Dr. Hatch. My best way to learn historical material is to listen to someone talk about it, though. I wasn’t the person who raised her hand in class to ask questions because my brain was still processing the information it had been given a minute earlier. I was the person who quietly listen and wrote down lots of notes in class. The people in my class who are always asking questions and making comments didn’t seem to do that well on the first exam, believe it or not. Those are the kind of people I expect to understand this stuff. Maybe they don’t understand the material, but can somehow invent intelligent questions on a dime. I’m just not like that.

After Stu went to a business-type lunch, to work, and then to a GO Club meeting (that he was in charge of today), he came over to my apartment and I made macaroni and cheese for dinner. He brought hotdogs too so we had a pretty good meal according to college student cooking standards! I hadn’t really seen much of him all week so I was very glad to spend some time with him, even if we were eating. Stu had to leave early, though, because of the stupid paper that is due tomorrow. That thing has put a damper on our relationship for the past week and I don’t like it at all. At least now it is done.

Last night Stu, Howie, and I went to Dairy Queen for 99-cent Blizzards. That’s a pretty good deal and I was dying for ice cream and a break from the Scientific Revolution. The place was packed and it took us forever to get our Blizzards. The guy behind the counter wasn’t experienced in making Blizzards so he took a long time and made mine wrong also. It wasn’t worth arguing over. We saw Joe there with Angel, Julie, and some other people. Apparently a Wednesday 99-cent Blizzard is a popular trend in Gainesville. By the time we got back to Stu’s apartment “South Park” was already more than half over and the guys were angry. We watched a funny but stupid show on Comedy Central called “The Man Show.” The theme is male dominance and sex talk, mainly, but what did you suspect with that title? I must admit I rather enjoyed it, but you can’t take it seriously without getting offended. After the show was over Stu practically threw me out of his house because I wasn’t done with my paper yet. He was only looking out for me, I know, but it isn’t a lot of fun to be shoved out the door.

OK, now I am going to bed. My day wasn’t as interesting on paper as it seemed earlier when I was thinking about it. However spending time with my boyfriend makes everyday more exciting. Good night.

A Late Morning and a Late Night – 6/15/99

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I just emailed my dad the introduction (or what I have of it) for my History of Science paper so he can proofread what I already have written. The email began, “It’s 2:30 AM, do you know what your daughter is up to?” He’ll like that. It is pretty late here in my little room, but I am giving myself a half hour to type up this entry because today I actually have something to say! Too bad I should be spending this time working more in that stupid paper, but I think I have written about it enough already. What do you think?

My day started at 9 AM, quite a bit later than I was supposed to wake up, when I heard hesitant knocking on my bedroom door. At first I thought it was in my dream, but when I heard it again I glanced at the clock and realized that I had overslept again! Sheesh. Liesl had been the one knocking on my door and I am very glad she was. I probably would have slept right through my class this morning if it hadn’t been for her. I got ready to go in ten minutes and Liesl and I walked to class together. When we opened the front door to leave we noticed that the chain was still in place. This meant that Brandy hadn’t gone to class this morning! Slacker – but I know exactly how she feels. On the way to class I remembered how it happened that I overslept. At 7 AM I woke up, either still in a dreamlike state or very disoriented, and looked at the clock at the foot of my bed. At that point it looked like I hadn’t set the alarm and I thought, What an idiot I am.” So I got out of bed, moved the little dial, and promptly went back to sleep. Apparently the alarm was on the whole time, I remember setting it last night, but I was just mistaken when I looked at it at 7 AM and I switched the dial to “off.” That’s just not something that happens everyday! I am quite impressed with the complexity of the whole thing.

I went over to the engineering building to look for Stuart during lunch AGAIN, but this time he was there! In fact he saw me coming towards the door as he was going back to his office, so as I walked in there was a handsome gentleman waiting for me. What a nice surprise. We talked for a little while before he had to get back to work. At least I found him this time.

Remember an entry sometime back about how happy I am with being a girl? Well sometimes it sucks too. My biggest complaint is crazy mood swings that can be unexpected and severe. I spent my entire walk this evening on the verge of tears for no good reason. After I got back I was a horrible conversation companion for Stuart on the phone (sorry about that, baby) because I was very sad. If you were to ask me why I was so sad I couldn’t give you a good, clear, or reasonable explanation. Maybe the stress of this last week of classes in getting to me, but I just wanted someone to hold me and tell me that I am going to make it through OK. I am quite a high maintenance girlfriend sometimes because I won’t tell my boyfriend when I need comfort and yet I get more upset when he doesn’t give it. Yes, I know that no one can read my mind, but sometimes a hug will suffice to cheer me up and I don’t usually ask for it outright. Just another facet to my ever-evolving and strange personality.

Here’s another “Lauren’s History of Science Paper Update.” I already told you that I emailed the existing portion of my introduction paragraph to my dad for him to proofread. I hope to have the whole thing done by midday Thursday so he will have time to read over all of it before I turn it in. Last semester my dad proofread my Western Civilization paper and I got an A on it. Perhaps he wasn’t the reason for the good grade, but I am not willing to take any chances with this paper! Today I made a detailed outline for the entire paper. The more specific information is written on about ten sheets of paper that are all over my floor right now. I am feeling stressed just thinking about it. Tomorrow is a major paper writing day so wish me luck – I am going to need it. By the way, what I have written of my paper is posted at HSpaper.html so go and read it!

Can’t Trust that Day – 6/14/99

[Copied from it’s original home at http://lyra23.tripod.com/news/6-14-99.html]

“Any other day of the week is fine, yeah” to quote a famous song. When my alarm went off this morning I was in the middle of an interesting dream (which I can’t remember anymore) and the radio got incorporated into it. It took me a few bars of the song to realize that it was time to get up. Yes my friends, it was Monday.

I saw Allen today while I was working on my paper for History of Science. Of course he and his mom had arrived late for the beginning of Preview, the pre-freshman orientation session, because they hadn’t gotten on the road early enough. Sounds like a typical Mathis problem. I knew that pizza was being served to the people who went to the engineering session so I took Allen and his mother over to the New Engineering Building for lunch. Allen looked surprised when I said I have to leave him there. I don’t know what he thought I was going to do at an engineering advising session, but I was starving for some food of my own and I had a paper to work on. He said that he would call me sometime tonight, but I haven’t heard from him yet and it is 9:30 PM. I’ll probably need to help him make a schedule tomorrow. My neighbor, Jamie Kacur, called me last night from Tallahassee for that reason. She is here for Preview now also and she is supposed to call me if she needs some help with her schedule. I wish I had had someone to help me out making a schedule when I was an incoming freshman!

One another note, today was an interesting day on my favorite soap opera, “Days of Our Lives.” I am an avid watcher of the show and I have been for several years now, but that doesn’t mean I am always a fan. “Days” goes through phases – sometimes there is so much going on that if you miss a day you will miss something important, and other times (like right now) nothing will happen for weeks. Today was a “wear a dress two sizes too small for you” day for the Salem ladies and a “let’s see how strange a tux I can wear” day for the gentlemen. My roommates Brandy and I both watched and we had a blast making fun of the clothes. We decided that only two of the women on the show haven’t had breast implants, but the only one I can remember right now is Vivian. Can anyone help me out with the other? During the regular school year I watch Days as often as I can, but I have found that now I don’t really care about watching it. You must consider that I watch with a few of my sorority sisters during the year, however, and that makes the scene more interesting. When you watch by yourself who can you crack jokes with? And there is always a lot of joke cracking due to bad acting, funny clothes, and messed up lines.

I found a penny on the ground today just as I was starting my walk. Nothing else in the world can reassure me more than a found penny. I know that some of you will be thinking, “This girl is nuts!” and you are probably right. However the psychological impact of finding a little token lying at my feet does wonders to comfort me when I am worrying. Lately I have been worrying about my History of Science paper and leaving Gainesville for the rest of the summer. As I started my walk I was wondering how I would deal with being away from Stuart for so long and that’s when I found the penny. As the shiny copper coin stared up at me a little voice in my head said, “everything is going to be all right.” I believed it too. Nothing is better for a worrying mind than to find some peace, no matter if it is in the form of a penny or anything else imaginable. Ask my friends from high school and they will tell you that I used to find multiple pennies everyday at school. I have no idea how they caught my eye, but somehow I found them in the strangest places or in plain sight. Maybe it’s a subconscious thing. I treasure the pennies that make me feel better just by being found. A break from worrying is a priceless gift.

The preparations for my History of Science paper are going smoothly so far. Today in class we finished discussing Descartes’s Vortex Theory of the universe so at least I feel more prepared to write about that now. Tomorrow we will finish up Newton and I will be ready to make a decent thesis, a good starting point for a paper. I really must go now and work on my notes some more. I need to start writing the body of the paper soon also. On Thursday I plan to email the finished product to my dad so he can proofread it. I will also post it on my webpage somewhere so that everyone can read it. Aren’t you excited?

Manner of Procrastination – 6/12/99

[Copied from it’s original home at http://lyra23.tripod.com/news/6-12-99.html]

It is 11:15 PM and I am sick of reading about scientific revolutions. I am taking a break now before my head explodes. The biggest problem is that I have to read the book slowly to understand what the author is saying and I have to take lots of notes for later. Yesterday Dr. Hatch gave us the assignment for our paper that is due next Friday. Basically we are writing about Thomas Kuhn’s book The Structure of Scientific Revolutions with respect to the scientific works of Newton. Well, since we haven’t talked about Newton in class yet that makes it rather hard to write about him. There are a few topics that we must discuss in the paper – the celestial theories of Copernicus, Kepler, Brahe, and Galileo for example – but the heart of the matter should be Newton. I guess I can write about some of the topics we have discussed already, but I don’t even have enough information to create a descent thesis yet! This is very frustrating because my first step in writing a paper is to decided exactly what I am going to write about – this involves formulating a good thesis.

I know someone out there right now is saying, “Stop whining, get up off your butt, and do something about it!” Let’s set the record straight – I HAVE been doing something about it. At this moment I feel better venting my anxieties through my diary than reading more of Mr. Kuhn’s work. This guy either has a great vocabulary or his thesaurus needed a rest after he wrote this book. I have had to look up words like “pedagogy” because I had absolutely no idea what it meant. That’s pretty annoying when you are trying to get the main point of the book and the meaning of a word interrupts you. Granted that this wasn’t written for the average person to read, but must it be so superfluous and intellectual? Dr. Hatch said that if we were reading the book correctly we would struggle to get through it. If he was telling us the truth, I must be grasping the concepts REALLY well. It takes me two hours to read forty pages! Does that seem like a long time for such a short section? I think so. I will be very happy to be done with this book – a goal I have set to accomplish before I go to bed tonight. Wish me luck.

The bulk of my day was spent at the beach. I found out that I was going late Friday evening so that’s why I haven’t mentioned it before. We drove over to Crescent Beach this morning, I was driving my car because there were five people and my car has four doors. (I also think Stuart got me to drive because he didn’t want to. Not that I blame him. He has been driving around the state of Florida the past two weekends and he needed a break from the driver’s seat.) The weather was chancy since it rained here in Gainesville yesterday and the chance for rain was good today also. Somehow the portion of beach that we picked didn’t see a drop of rain until just before we left. There were some nasty rain clouds all over the place, but we got blue skies quite a bit of sunshine. I did a good job with the sunscreen again. Besides a little spot on my foot that seems to be sunburned (and we are talking a really little spot) I got no sun at all. Apparently it is too much to ask to even out my horrible farmer’s tan. I am destined to have a white stomach also. Oh well, it could be worse because I would certainly rather be white than sunburned.
The ocean was choppy today due to the strong storms offshore. I love to swim in the water, though, and it is more fun when the waves toss you around. Sometimes I think I was born to swim because I feel more comfortable in the water than out of it! I did fall in the water a few more times than necessary due to Stuart. The biggest problem with a bikini is that they don’t stay in place as well as they should. One of my searches in life is to find a great bikini. Anyway, my bathing suit was a bit uncooperative when a certain gentleman threw me into the water. He was complaining about his suit too. Guys are lucky enough to be able to put on some shorts and pass them as a bathing suit. Girls have to find one that fits, that flatters their particular figure, and that doesn’t cost an arm and a leg. That’s a pretty tall order. For females buying a bathing suit is one of the worst experiences possible, and to find one that fits those criteria is a dream come true.

Now that I have gone off on several tangents it is 30 minutes later than when I started and I had better get back to work. I will be glad when this summer semester is over and I can relax. I will be posting my finished History of Science paper on my webpage as soon as it is done, if anyone is interested in reading it. Until then send me good studying “vibes” (as my mom says).

Another Day, Another Thunderstorm – 6/10/99

[Copied from it’s original home at http://lyra23.tripod.com/news/6-10-99.html]

Yes, it is definitely summer here in Gainesville, FL. Another evening walk was rained out when it started raining around 7:30 PM. I don’t think it’s raining now, but the thunder and lightning has kept me inside for the night. Great. We had a short tornado warning earlier when a tornado was spotted forming in Alachua County. I only heard about the warning after it expired so I guess it wasn’t important enough to tell the general public about until it was too late. That’s summer weather in Florida – high temperatures in the nineties and about a 30% change of afternoon thunderstorms. The Weather Channel could just give us that forecast everyday and it would be pretty accurate.

The most exciting part of my day (not exciting to me but maybe to someone else) was wandering around the engineering buildings looking for Stuart from 12 noon until 12:45 PM. I figured he would be eating lunch outside because he said he always does. What a liar! I found the room where his backpack and bottle of water were hanging out during the noon hour, but there was no cute, blonde college boy to go along with them, much to my despair. It serves me right for wanting to surprise him, though. The best-laid plans (on my part) are the first to fail (when the other party doesn’t know about them). I bought him some cookies at Subway to bring to him, but when he wasn’t around I figured I could eat them myself. Sorry about that, Stu! I’ll make it up to you somehow.

The weekend is fast approaching and I don’t have any concrete plans yet! This is my last weekend in Gainesville for a while since next week is our last of Summer A classes. Thank goodness. Stu mentioned something about a possible trip this weekend, but he hasn’t said anything about it since last Sunday. Hmm. I do have a paper that I should be writing (as soon as we get the assignment, hopefully tomorrow) but that would be really boring. I want to do something fun. After next week I have seven weeks at home before I come back to Gainesville on August 7. That also means I will be without my boyfriend too! I hope we get to do something this weekend rather than leaving me with too much time and only a dumb paper to write.

My mom just found out that she has to report for jury duty tomorrow morning. I really feel sorry for her. I was summoned for jury duty last summer at the end of July, when I was working at the Magnet Lab. The instructions on the summons tell you to call the night before you are told to report and make sure the potential jurors are still needed. Fortunately when I called I didn’t have to report at all. Good thing because if I had been placed on the jury of a case that lasted longer than a week I wouldn’t have been able to come back to Gainesville in time for sorority Rush preparation. My mom called tonight and she found out that she does have to report in the morning. What a pain. I hope she doesn’t get picked for a jury (and she wants the same thing).

Brandy’s fiancee, Jacob, showed up here yesterday and he stayed with us last night. He is still here so I guess he is going to stay tonight as well. I never expected Jacob to show up in the middle of the week or stay this long. The two of them have been in her room since he showed up yesterday (except when she went to class this morning). I think Brandy is going back home with him tomorrow after her classes. I am the only roommate who is going to be around this weekend (and hopefully I won’t be around either). Anyway, I am not too fond of Jacob. He has been here twice to visit and both times he has criticized the food we have. First of all, it is not his place to criticize what kind of food I eat! Second, he is way too picky and won’t eat anything Brandy offers him. Third, as far as I can tell he is a lazy bum who can’t drive somewhere and get his own food. I guess those are my main complaints. I tried to keep an open mind when I met him for the second time (because I didn’t like him the first time around and because Brandy is such a nice girl) but my opinion of him is slipping.

Gotta go and read some more about the structures of scientific revolutions. It is actually interesting stuff. I also have a deal with Stuart that if I work on reading the book from 10 to 11 PM then I will call him back. Since it is 10 PM now I had better get going. By the way, it is still raining.